Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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