Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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