I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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