They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
