got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
