Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
