I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
