He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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