hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
