The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize