Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
