I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
