I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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