Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
