it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
