She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
