It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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