I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
