Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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