be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
