Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize