oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I want a musical about memes.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
