guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
