dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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