I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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