I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
