Your tits are I can't wait for
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
