Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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