My sheets look like a crime scene.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
