As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i've created a new STD.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
