god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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