I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
