Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
