His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
