Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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