Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
