my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
