I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
