this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
