So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
