i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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