Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
