My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've blown a few things in my day
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
