Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
