when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
