ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
