I wish I only lived at night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
