Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
