Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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