Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize