dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
