im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
