From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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