fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
