So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think your dad took our porno
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
