Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
