I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
