she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
