I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
