Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
