Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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