If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
