Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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