He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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