I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
